Goblin
When I was 24 my friend ODed
We grew up together
Skateboarding, Playing DnD, Magic the Gathering
He had started doing dope and I was afraid
that if I hung out with him, I would too.
He smoked cigarettes and got into trouble
He was incredible and funny and brought everyone in
He said and did and thought
the most ridiculous things
He knew exactly how the world worked
I didn’t drink sugar and I didn’t smoke
But when he died
I bought a Cherry Lime Ricky and
a pack of cigarettes
When he was alive I was so afraid of how he might
change me, that I forgot that I might change him.
But now that he’s gone I wish I was more like him
Addiction has been one of the biggest characters in my life.
So I decided to experience it
Originally I had delusions of grandeur of trying
dope or meth or…
Basically I gravitate towards extreme lessons
For this I stuck with cigarettes,
I wanted to learn why
to learn what they gave people
to understand what felt lacking or what hurt
I also wanted to experience being addicted
so that I could stop judging people who were
I never wanted another friend to feel alone
when they were having a hard time
The study lasted for too long.
It was breathing
and reflection
and company
It was the comfort of friends and strangers
stepping away from the bustle to do
this forbidden act of morbid solidarity
These needs were always there; once Identified
They needed new strategies,
could I stand with smokers, not smoking,
without them feeling judged?
could I take breaks from work and parties
to get some fresh air or have a brief aside,
outside
Finding new ways to get what it gave
me was tricky yet rewarding
Quitting was another thing entirely
When I was growing up my dad read me
1001 nights, Sheherezad told a new story
each night ____ ____
leaving a cliffhanger the sultan needed
to hear the resolution of,
thus delaying her death another day.
It’s easy to be sympathetic to Sheherezad.
She has this clever alacrity to her calm
persistence. She finds a way to keep going
in the face of her imminent demise.
we could only hope to have that
conviction with our love.
It’s harder to be sympathetic when she’s
dressed in her white dress and tan boots,
always finding another way to get invited, or
sneak in, to the party.
Addiction is this clever persistence of the
behavior that no longer serves us. It is
our irrational negotiation with ourselves, a
momentary erosion by ignorance or rationalizing
or excuses.
A sultan delaying the execution of his wife by one more day
I'm not looking for easy any more, or better
I'm trying to sit with the part of myself that hurts
how my friend hurt
To sit with the part of me that needs what my
friend needed.
To love with the part of me that loves how
my friend loved
